Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay
by msarahv
Summary: Dean doesn't cry. He just sits on the dock and watches the ocean. And dreams...
1. Chapter 1

If you asked Dean who came first in his life, he would say Sammy. Sometimes he wondered if parents felt the same way about their kids than he did about his brother. At others, he thought that Sam certainly felt different about him, maybe even irritated whenever Dean got all protective or too stern. This made him depressed and once again he felt like a parent, albeit a very young one. He didn't even know if he was making it right as his own father was a shining absent figure, not even providing for them correctly. Dan had been a bartender, a mechanic, a babysitter, a fruit-picker, a dock loader, even a freaking _maid_... just so that he could put food on the table. He hated getting mail, always worried it would be a bill (sometimes his father would surprise him like that, giving their address and expecting Dean to fork the money) or even an injunction to pay (strangely, this brought on more adrenalin in his blood than any physical threats had ever done.) A cold shiver would run through him turning his guts into mush and bringing out his worse fear: losing Sammy.

So, on some days, when Sam was at school and he didn't have a shift at one of the two jobs he currently held, he would sometimes sit at the docks and look at the liner that were sailing off to distant shores, wishing he was on one of them, living that shitty life behind him as well as all memories of his parents.

But he knew it was just a dream and that work was as exhausting and hard to keep in faraway countries or tropical islands. It felt good to take a break, though, so he kept sitting on a metallic bench, sometimes with a sandwich, always with his headphones on his old as hell Walkman, his favorites tapes on the verge of giving up. He had a pencil ready for that case.

One day, he noticed that he wasn't alone. There wasn't much activity around him, most loading or passenger boarding was taking place elsewhere. You could watch the sea, but it wasn't a vantage point in any ways, so Dean was curious what the other guy was doing here (well, expect from eating a sandwich, obviously) He also wondered how such a thin trench coat could prevent getting cold. Dean was wearing his loyal leather coat, zipped in an uncool way because of the icy wind that swept up the docks.

He kept seeing him after that, always at the same hours. Maybe he was an accountant? Dean had seen the suit under the coat and thought it looked good on the man, even though the tie was looking as if there had been a fight between it and its owner and it had won. He also saw two blue eyes, mirroring the sea on a sunny day perfectly and spiky hair that danced in the merest wimp of air.

Dean's daydreams started shifting.

"I'm almost an adult, Dean! You don't get to tell me how to lead my life anymore!"

"I'm aware Sammy, but would you rather I watch you make mistakes and not say anything? What kind of a brother would I be?"

"A real one!"

The hurt had been so damn harsh, he had fled to _his_ quiet place, hoping he wouldn't make a spectacle of himself and cry in public.

He didn't because, once again, the guy was there. Dean sat with a stony face, his leg bouncing a little, his eyes fixed on the horizon. Maybe if he asked nicely, they would hire him on a boat and Sam would realize what security exactly Dean had been providing...

He was torn from his angry thoughts by a question:

"Are you okay?"

He turned, slowly, too surprised at a stranger addressing him to tell him to mind his own business.

"I'm fine, thanks." it was difficult to lie to such a pair of pure blue eyes, but Dean didn't want to talk.

"Somehow, I don't think you are."

Dean wanted to bite now. He half-growled his reply:

"I'm sorry but I don't remember you being my mother. Or anyone I have to answer to."

The man looked hurt and confused at the same time. Did he think Dean and he were kind of friends because they hung out at the same place? They had never spoken, for fuck's sake.

But something in the man's face, or maybe the fact that he had fantasized about him just a little tiny bit this last few weeks, made him swallow his anger and try and act civilized:

"It's nothing important. I just had a fight and I didn't want to stay home. I mean, I love Sam, but there are moments he goes way too far with my patience..."

There was a small smile in response, then:

"I understand. It was the same for me and Balthazar. That's why we broke it off."

Dean looked in incomprehension, then it dawned on him:

"No... no... Sam, he's my brother. I'm the one looking after him and he's a pain in the ass. A teenager, you know."

"Oh, I'm sorry for assuming... I've never dealt with teenagers myself, at least as an adult, and I was myself quite tranquil through my teenage years."

Dean looked at the slack and all-around accountant look and smirked:

"I believe that, man."

"Castiel."

Huh? Dean was the one getting confused now, not really getting where this conversation was headed.

"Gesundheit?" There was a sigh.

"My name. It's Castiel Novak. May I learn yours?"

Dean resisted the urge to answer 'You may' in a stuffy tone. He smiled and extended his hand to the other side of the bench:

"I'm Dean Winchester. Nice meeting you."

Cas-something looked triumphant. He was easy to please.

"I'm glad I could make you smile. You're very handsome when you do."

Dean's mind came to a full stop. This sounded like flirting. And here he was, pissed as hell, his mind still focused on Sammy, missing an opportunity he had very much wanted.

"Can I ask you something, Cas?"

"Cas...? Oh, sure!"

"What do you come here for? It's really not park-like..."

"Well," Cas looked away towards the sea "so do you, after all."

Dean shrugged:

"I used to work here. Well, rather over there." he pointed to the crane next to the cargo ships. Cas nodded. He remained silent so Dean decided to be the one pressing this time:

"You haven't answered my question, just saying..." He winked. Cas' face seemed to melt. He looked very vulnerable, suddenly:

"My ex, Balthazar, the one I told you about."

"Yes?"

"He's French. When we broke up, he went home and that's... over there." He gestured toward the ocean.

Dean didn't laugh. He understood:

"You miss him?"

"I did, yes. But, that was at first. Now, I come for a different reason."

Dean's heart was beating hard against his chest. He swallowed and moved an inch to the right.

"Yeah? What... What reason?"

Cas just looked at him. His face was much nearer than it should be. He must have moved a foot on the left.

"Dean, can I ask you out?"

"We are outside, Cas." This got Dean a slap on the arm. His skin trembled and heated at the touch.

"Can I have your phone number, then?"

"You can. It's possible."

Cas was waiting and Dean wondered if he would get it. He did:

"Assbutt."

Dean burst out laughing. It felt good. Years of stress were rolling down his throat, it was like a powerful massage, a way of letting go.

But because of that, he didn't notice Castiel get up and leave until he heard him say:

"Sorry for trying. Have a good day."

"Cas! Come back, I wasn't..." Dean finished, sadder than he had been on arrival : "...mocking you."

He had no comfort to find from the dock anymore, so he went home. It was spotless. There was a smell that made Dean perk up : pie. He didn't remember making it. He opened the oven door and there it was, in all its fruity glory.

Sam appeared at his bedroom door, looking guilty:

"I didn't mean it. I was... kind of saying it to Dad."

"Dad" Dean looked around in alarm "Is he home?"

"No, calm down. No news, nothing. I just wish he would be... you know... a real dad. That way we could just be like all brothers and I wouldn't feel so bad that you're throwing your life away for me."

Dean wasn't crying. That was because he was freezing his face as forcefully as he could. Sam saw through him and hugged him. He even ventured:

"Does that mean I'm not grounded for smoking with Ruby?"

"Nice try, Sammy. Go do your homework."

Sam shrugged:

"It's all done. I wanted to show you I'm responsible."

Dean was touched and considered lifting the punishment. He didn't, though, because, even when he tried to deny it, he was a parent and Sam needed to learn.

That night, he tossed in the bed, cursing himself. It was just him to meet a gorgeous, kind man and mess things up from the start. He punched his pillow and walked to the kitchen for a piece of pie.

The next day, he went to the docks but he was alone. He took the last piece of pie, looked at it with longing and wrapped it in a paper napkin on which he had written "Sorry for being a dick. Here's my number... I would love to go out." Maybe the seagulls would eat it.

He went to the repair shop for his shift and almost broke the car he was working on. He threw away the crank handle and went to the bathroom, to sit on the john's lid and cry.

His boss hinted at firing him if it happened again and the fear settled itself in Dean's stomach, like it never left.

At 10 pm, he got a phone-call. It was an unknown number. He almost prayed while answering

"Hello."

"Dean? It's Castiel. Well, Cas."

"Oh, thank God!"

"I thought you weren't interested and I'm still very sensitive to rejection. I should have stayed."

"I'm sorry I laughed. It's just... I've never heard this swearword before. It's glorious."

"Assbutt?" Dean bit his lips. There was a chuckle on the line.

"It appears I'm as bad at swearing as at flirting. I've never hit on anyone before."

"Didn't need to?" Dean winked at the wall and slapped his forehead at his stupidity.

"Well Balthazar was the one to seduce me. I was flattered. Never dated before that."

Dean was speechless but not for long:

"Time to change that, then. One lame boyfriend is not a good game record."

"What is a good number then?"

Dean breathed in. He could do this. He could win over the man with his cockiness.

"I'd say two."

"That seems about right."

They met at the docks. Cas still wore his trench coat and Dean his leather one. They stood awkwardly until Cas said:

"So, I was thinking..."

"Yeah?" Castiel was blushing now. Dean wanted to ravish him on the bench. But the dock workers would see and they needed to get to know each other a little.

So they went to a café. Dean ate pie, while Cas drank some Chaï (and Dean didn't tease it for that. After Castiel's storm out, the previous time, he was utterly cautious with humor. Maybe later.) Cas said he was a University accountant, so Dean had been right. When it was his time to share, he hesitated. How should he present it? He tried not to:

"I'm in between things right now... Kind of looking for my path."

But Castiel, it seemed, didn't go for bullshit. Which meant Dean had no ammunitions against him, ever:

"That's not very clear Dean. Do you think I'll judge your line of work?"

Dean looked down at the crumbs of pie on the table and used his thumb to pick them all up:

" It's not one line, that's the thing. I have jobs, plenty of them. They don't last because they're mostly temp. I'm working at a car repair shop and it's more a long-run deal, but my boss is not easy to deal with and I'm not sure he'll keep me."

Cas seemed a little distant after that. Dean didn't blame him. He was pathetic. He got up:

"I should go. Hope you find someone good Cas. You deserve it, like a lot."

"Dean!" Castiel had run to the door and was looking daggers at him:

"What is the matter? Did I say something wrong? Am I that bad at dating?"

Dean wanted to puke but he managed:

"No, Cas. I thought that you despised me and, well... I'm not that strong."

Suddenly Castiel was hugging him and Dean felt he was dying. His blood pounded hard on his temple, his head swam in a foggy state and if he didn't shed a tear now, his chest would burst.

"Is it because of Sammy?" Cas whispered.

Dean nodded against the man's shoulder. He didn't want to let go. He wanted to feel uncomfortable and aroused and emotional and...

Castiel took a step back, took his hand in his and led him to a couch. Once Dean was seated, he went to the counter and came back with a hot chocolate. Dean grimaced but took a gulp. The sweet taste soften his throat and he felt better and ridiculous. He had blamed Cas for overreacting and misreading him and yet he was doing the same.

The result was that they dropped the masks and pretense and just opened up. Cas' lips took all of Dean's line of vision and the inches between their knees disappeared slowly. The conversation faded into the kiss, naturally. Dean was in Heaven. He felt good, he felt wanted.

A few days later, Dean went back to his bench and saw Cas. It was enough to lift the dreary feeling that he still had at work. His boss was even more demanding, criticizing everything he did. Dean was trying to be as efficient as possible but maybe it just couldn't be. It was his first stable position, and it was turning out not to be that stable. He hesitated but told Castiel, because if he couldn't tell him (and he couldn't talk to Sam about it, no way he was upsetting the kid more), who could he tell?

Cas frowned and looked away. Dean felt glum, wondering if Castiel always did that when he didn't know what to do. On the other hand, Dean himself wasn't a good example of knowing how to act or not mess up. After a few minute, Cas slid next to him and brushed Dean's face:

"Sorry, I was deep in thoughts. I've missed your handsome features and your smile."

"We could we go out again."

Castiel looked down at the bench and murmured:

"Or in."

The implication made Dean's groin heat up.

"Sure. At your place? Not that I don't want you to meet Sam, but..."

"Of course, we just met, that would be unadvisable. Plus I tend to be loud."

Dean kissed him silent. They got up, still kissing and pushed each other's to Dean's car. Cas came on foot. Dean resisted the appeal of the back seat and drove with a boner.

Castiel turned out to be quite forceful in the bedroom. Dean had been with two other guys before (after he accepted the idea of being bi) and had always topped. Yet, he found himself spread out on the bed, two fingers in him and high frequency whines escaping his own mouth. It turned out Castiel was amazing at sex and Dean never wanted to top anymore.

About two weeks later, as he was panting and looking frantically for his shirt so that he could be home before Sam, Cas made a very serious expression and coughed to catch Dean's attention. Tons of cold bucket of metaphorical water poured onto Dean as he waited, petrified, for the break-up. He didn't want it, he wanted to be with Cas, always, but it was a two-persons decisions and Cas must have been patient enough before deciding Dean was not for...

"Dean."

"Mmmm?"

"I have something important to tell you, but I don't know how you'll react."

Still not crying, Dean was very good at fighting it.

Cas went on:

"Are you very attached to your mechanic position?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, would you mind changing jobs again? What with your boss being so harsh and you?"

Was it an ultimatum as in 'I can't be dating a mere mechanic"?

"Because, you know I work at the University a few streets away? Apparently there is a position for... a handyman. They're looking for someone strong and good at repairs and stuff."

"A janitor?"

"Sort of. In fact there's a three-persons team and they all quit so they need three new ones and one of those will be the one in-command. I suggested your name... Are you mad?"

Dean's mind was processing. First, Castiel wasn't breaking up.

Second, Castiel wasn't breaking up. Another good point.

Third, he was helping Dean and yet seemed to think he screwed up.

What didn't help was that this time Dean _was_ crying. Sobbing.

In between hiccups, he managed:

"Thanks, you're so great. I don't deserve you..."

Castiel looked relieved and kissed his wet cheeks and neck. Dean was late at home, but at least he got to introduce Cas to Sam. His brother looked curiously at the accountant that was so different than the people Dean usually hooked up with. Then they started talking and suddenly Castiel was Sam's new best friend. Dean let them to their nerdy discussions about Tolstoï or something and took a beer out of the fridge.

In his mind, when he though of the future, it was always about the next day, how to get to it, how to survive, how to distract himself. But now, the future extended, to the next week and month and even year. And Castiel was in it, every step of the way.


	2. Chapter 2

What was awesome about Dean's new janitor job at the University wasn't that there wasn't that much to do (The place was in a decent condition. It was just that to the question "How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?", the answer seemed to be "An infinity". So janitors were essential). Nor was it the two guys he was working with: Ash, with his mullet that made Dean smile whenever he saw him and Benny, large, tall, friendly. It wasn't the fact that everyone he met was quite nice to him (but for Professor Masters, but everyone said she was a bitch).

No, the kicker was that the position came with _lodgings_. Dean could hardly believe it and the absence of rent or electricity and water bill (which explained why his showers got much longer now)was something he reveled in. It quite made up for the fact that the pay was not that high.

Dean had chosen not to have his mail forwarded. If his dad wanted his debts to be paid, he'd have to find the money elsewhere.

Sam was taking to the University atmosphere like a fish in tropical water. He had asked someone (maybe the college actual 'dean'?) if he could be allowed in the library. Of course they said yes, to Dean's relief. Sam had messed up quite a bit with Ruby, so him focusing on studies and knowledge was perfect. Sam barely mentioned her, now. The happy face he wore every day made Dean's heart swell.

The other very, very good point was that Castiel could visit him. They still went to the docks now and again, Cas' arm around Dean's shoulder, Dean's head against his chest, but when he was working, he found routes that passed next to Dean's door even when he had no reasons to be around. If Dean was somewhere else on campus but Sam was in, Cas would stay and talk with him.

Sometimes, Dean got a call saying he was needed in the administration aisle, for faulty wiring or defective heating. He got there, knowing fully well that nothing was broken. Cas was seated at his desk, beaming, looking just a little guilty and Dean kissed him and asked him about his day.

He didn't dare invite Castiel to his place, though. Cas wasn't a professor, but still rumors could be nasty. Castiel hated seeing him go at nights, but Dean wanted to be there for Sam when he got up. It was his brother's last year of high school and he wanted Sam to make the most of it.

Truth is, Sam was done acting out and that was a relief. He seemed to have taken a step back with Ruby, which was also good but on the other hand, he was so focused on grades and college application, Dean was worrying. He knew Sam was brainy and needed to find a job where he could use that, as he wasn't that good with his hands (a point Dean loved to make) but he would need a full ride to any college because however hard Dean could work, it wouldn't be the beginning of enough.

So, when the first refusal arrived in the mail, Sam was crushed. Dean felt so down, he broke down his rule and asked Castiel to come in reinforcement. It turned out to be a really good idea. Cas was quiet and sweet, yet persistent and he boosted Sam into trying again with other places. Dean gave him a grateful kiss, then, with Sam's silent permission, asked Cas to stay so he could thank him more...

The next morning was unsettling. Castiel was still asleep in Dean's arms, looking like an angel that had dropped during the night and forgotten to leave. He also looked like he belonged there. When he woke up and kissed Dean, Dean wanted for an emotional moment, to ask him to stay, forever. He didn't and felt diffuse disappointment run through his veins.

Castiel was blissfully unaware and happily greeted Sam. Dean took his hand as they headed out but dropped it when he closed the door. Cas didn't say anything but Dean still hated himself.

Still, the pattern was broken and Castiel turned up at Dean's door, a few days later, with a bakery box in hand and wearing a hopeful smile that made Dean open his arms and his door in full.

But somehow the gossip machine must have been broken in the campus because wherever Dean went during the day, plenty women, college students as well as teachers, tried flirting with him. It was getting difficult to fend them off. It wasn't as if he wasn't vaguely attracted at times. He was quite fluid in his sexuality and had slept around a lot before.

So, when professor Masters herself walked to him with an intent expression, trapping him in the little garden, where he was fixing some fountain plumbing, he felt like a deer in the headlights for a moment. It even allowed her to make a few more steps But after she said:

"I don't care what kind of Neanderthal you could be, you're still nice meat on leg. Let's get this over with and have some quick fun.", Dean started grinning widely, trying not to laugh out too loud at the ridiculousness of it.

He heard the staccato of a breath on his left, a beige trench coat in his line of vision. Relieved, he got ready to call Cas to his rescue from the terminally bizarre, but hesitated when he noticed the frown. Meg turned too and her feral smile got even more predatory:

"Looks like you've got competition, sweetheart, and this one seems to have a brain as well..."

Dean was so offended, he didn't know where to begin. The only thing he agreed with her, reluctantly was that Castiel was hotter-looking than he was.

But before he could tell her to fuck off (with enough diplomacy not to get fired on the spot for disrespecting a professor) and stop bothering his boyfriend, Castiel had turned around. Dean could have sworn some smoke was coming out of Castiel's nostrils. It was weird seeing that pissed off and Dean kinda liked it. He ran past Meg who was looking puzzled and grabbed Cas' arm to talk to him before he could hide in his office.

Cas shook his arm free and crossed it with the other in front of his chest, like a child ready to pout the hell out. Dean felt hurt. He hadn't done anything and had just been insulted on a sensitive subject, his intelligence, yet Cas was the angry one?

"What is the matter, Cas?"

"..."

"Oh, come on! It's not the first time we fight but this is over nothing!"

"Nothing!" Cas had a venom streak in his voice "How many times have I witnessed females making advances to you? And you always beam and smile."

"What do you want me to do? Yell at them so I can get fired? I don't give them my number or take theirs! I am faithful and it's not even hard. I mean you're the one I always think about..."

Cas was shaking, either in anger or shock and Dean quit being angry, wrapping him in his arms, until he surrendered and hugged back.

"You meant that...?" Cas asked in a little voice "I thought that, maybe, we've been dating for two months so it's too early to tell."

"Tell what?"

Cas stayed silent. His heart was beating against Dean's chest, through the fabrics, fast and trustful.

"Cas...?"

"... that I love you..."

Dean stopped giving a fuck. He kissed Cas until he felt faint, mumbling "Me too..." in his ear.

Masters passed by them, whispering "Of course, just my luck, two hot guys and they fuck each other."

Cas got the full monty that night, Dean was wild with desire. For the next few days, though, he waited for the other academic shoe to drop and tell him to get out of his lodgings. But it never came. So he relaxed and focused on Castiel. He had him meet Benny, who said he was "not to stuffy for an office guy", which seemed praise enough and Castiel began hinting at his brother coming to visit one of this day. Dean was preparing himself psychologically for a "meet the family" evening, when he got a letter in the mail.

It was addressed to him and Sam and contained a legal-looking paper. Dean opened it while seating next to Cas, who was tutoring Sam in math. When he read the document, he blanched...


	3. Chapter 3

'_To Sam and Dean Winchester._

_I regret to inform you that your father, John Winchester, has passed away. He was involved in a car accident and was apparently, under the influence of alcohol. Could you contact me at this number and address in regard to burial and other administrative matters?_'

Dean didn't cry. He pushed the letter in Sam's direction. There was no way he would announce that to his brother. Sam did cry, silently, wrenching Dean's heart. Castiel was watching in incomprehension, his eyes darting worryingly from Dean to Sam. Dean loved him but he needed some air:

"Look after Sammy, please."

Sam didn't grumble at the nickname, maybe he didn't hear it or he didn't care.

Dean's life had a dark grey ceiling, as if it was coming to an end. He had cut ties with John and still didn't regret it. He knew who had initiated the abandonment. But he was an orphan now, his feet like clay, crumbling into dust, his soul blown away by the quiet wind to the end of the sea in front of him.

The night turn cold but he didn't budge. Sam needed him, but he was a stone. Love was a lie, surely, or not worth it if you could feel like that one day. He would never have children, he would fail like his own dad. And then he'd disappear into the ether, not missed by anyone. Because Sam didn't miss John, he cried over his absence.

He didn't sleep, he feared it too much, just sat and stared ahead.

"Dean..."

"Dean..."

Dean must be dreaming because it couldn't be Sam now. Sam didn't know of Dean's favorite bench, of his safe place. Only Castiel knew...

It was a betrayal. Dean felt furious. But Sam was standing there, looking lost and hurt. Dean got up and hugged him. The sun rose into their hair, coloring them in yellows and red. Dean had always been a parent. But now something was different. He was alone in it.

They walked back to the campus. Sam whispered:

"We could get him buried where it happened. It would save the cost of travel for his body. And we don't need to go."

Dean didn't think he could feel colder. Now reality was slapping him back in the face. The money he had managed to scrap around and save for Sam's studies... It would be buried in the burial. No life insurance, no help from non-existent family.

Sam missed school and Dean asked for a day off. He asked Benny and Ash to leave him alone. He didn't have to with Cas. His lover had vanished. Dean was glad. He was going to have to break up with him anyway. Cas deserved a good life with someone who wasn't half-dead in his head. It also felt like a betrayal for him to have left the apartment, leaving Sam on his own after telling him where to find Dean.

Sam would yell or keep silent. He cursed Dean and accused him and everything. Then, he tearfully apologized but Dean didn't care. Sam was still a child, he shouldn't go through all that. The love he had for his brother made him forgive instantly.

As the night came, Sam got quieter and more tired. He begged Dean to go to bed, to get some rest but Dean couldn't move from the kitchen chair.

Sam left the room, the phone in his hand. Dean looked down at his plate. There was an uneaten piece of pie in it.

The door opened, slowly:

"Hello, Dean..."

"Go away."

"Dean..." Castiel never gave up, Dean knew that. So why had he left? Dean had left first, it was true.

"Sam said I could come back. He asked me to stay away yesterday and let you two morn as a family. It was hard but I had to agree, he needed it. I thought about you, every minute. Now I want to help. Can you let me, please...?"

"Was it..." The sob gargled the ending. He waited then asked again: "Was it you who told him I was at the dock?"

"Yes. I am sorry but it was necessary."

"You don't get to decide that."

"I do actually."

Dean looked up, at Castiel's soft blue eyes. The ocean was nothing to them.

"Why?"

"Because I love you. If you hurt and you can't think straight, I have to do it for you. I took care of Sam yesterday, until almost dawn. I took him to the dock and watched you tow hug. Then I left and I feel useless."

"You're not useless. You're better without me, though."

"No!"

Cas had caught Dean's collar and was shaking it. Dean was passive and dull.

"Stop believing him! He is dead now, through his own fault. He has failed as a father but you're still wonderful. Let me help you, let me in! I don't care that you're not the strongest. I love you with all your flaws, just like you love me. Don't tell me it's a lie!"

Dean got up and ran to the bathroom. What he threw up wasn't just bile. It was his anger, his disgust, his loss. He heard Castiel call:

"Do you want me to leave?"

His voice was cracked and weak but he managed:

"Don't."

They lay on the bed, Dean as pliant as a doll. Castiel took him in his arm and offered his naked chest as a living pillow. He whispered:

"You are allowed to cry Dean, whenever you want. I feel horrible when it happens because I know you've reached your limit. You can be yourself around me. I'm asking you to. Don't push me away."

"Thanks... I'm sorry, it must be hard for you too."

"It's without comparison. I was a little child when my parents passed. It took me a while to catch on."

Dean felt like a jerk. Castiel was an orphan too. He hadn't been raised by a brother though, but by his adult cousin, Michael.

"I can't live without you Cas."

"I don't want you to."

Dean went back to work. He sent the money and asked them to deal with it. He spent the week-end bringing all his stuff at Castiel's small house. Sam happily set a bed in Cas' small library. Dean got stern and forbid him to read after midnight. He was surprised of how fast his brother had healed. So, as they opened another box and Cas wasn't around, he asked him about it:

"Dad wasn't family anymore, Dean. I had a gut reaction but I haven't really lost anyone. I've even gained someone even more important."

"Who?"

"Castiel. He's good for you and he cares for me. You're my family."

Dean wondered how long he could wait until asking Cas to marry him would be considered okay.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean's week had been shit. First, the plumbing had gone haywire all around campus, so he was getting wet and disgusting all day long and had cramps from crawling under sinks. Second, Cas' big brother, Gabriel had invaded the house and now Dean had to check every time he sat down or he ended up having to change after yelling at a cackling prankster. And third, as this morning, Sam had gotten an acceptance letter in the mail, but it turned out, after Sam did a happy dance about it, that it came without a scholarship. Dean was as down about it as his brother. Cas didn't know yet. He was one of Sam's biggest supporters, beaming when Sammy got a good grade. Dean had a feeling he wouldn't even hear about the letter.

He was right, Castiel joined him to bed that night, all innocent (well, as innocent as one could be with Gabriel in the house. Caution and quick thinking were required), opening the bed in full before spotting the farting pillow and throwing it on the ground. Dean pushed it under the bed quickly, thinking he could get to use it one day. He wanted to talk to Cas, but lying under the covers, pressed against the other man's heat, he got carried away, kissing and begging him until he cried of pleasure. Castiel looked plenty satisfied and passed his arm over Dean to turn off the light.

"Cas, wait!"

"Is something the matter, Dean?"

Dean kissed Cas' frown away, playing absentmindedly with the comforter:

"It's Sam. He got accepted at Stanford..."

"That's amazing Dean! We should go out and celebrate. I'm sure Gabe can..."

"Stop, please..." Dean was already feeling better after the amazing sex but staring into Cas' eyes was also really helpful. "No scholarship, nada. The kid is depressed."

"Why didn't he say anything?"

"I think he didn't want to disappoint you."

Cas sat up, his arm around Dean's shoulders:

"I love Sam as another brother... Actually I love him way more than Gabe. I hope he knows that."

"He thinks of you as family, Cas, he told me."

Castiel smiled. Then, he frowned again and glared at Dean:

"This isn't your fault, you know."

"What?"

"I'm certain you're beating yourself up, feeling guilty you don't have the money and such."

Castiel was the only person to ever see Dean cry and he was the only one who took the time to tell him that sort of things. Dean liked that he didn't have to feign happiness or stoic-ness. He cuddled against Cas, worried and angry at the world, yet grateful for his man.

Dean's coffee was salty the next morning. Gabriel found himself pushed against the fridge, his hands in mock surrender:

"Come on, Dean-o, what's a harmless prank from _family_...? Sam told me you can be quite creative yourself."

"I was younger at the time. I have become an adult in the meantime. Just like Cas, you know, your _little_ brother?"

"Boring..."

Castiel sleepily entered the kitchen. He glanced uninterestedly at the tableau his lover and brother made, then tried to push Gabriel aside:

"I need the milk, Gabe."

"Dean is mean to me!"

"I'm sure it's your fault. Now move over."

Dean laughed and lost his grip on Gabriel's collar. He threw the coffee in the sink and helped himself to a new cup.

"Where's Sam? He's generally up early?"

"He left already. Said he needed to study."

"On a Sunday morning?"

Dean sighed and left for the college's library. Sure enough, Sam was seated in a corner, his nose in a SAT book.

"You've already taken your SATs, Sammy."

"I could retake them and get a bigger score. That way, I could get a scholarship." Sam's voice was trembling. Dean felt like the biggest dick ever for not being able to afford Sam's dreams. He remembered Castiel's words and got angry at him instead, for being always right. He sat next to his brother and took the book away. Sam didn't try to take it back. His hair looked floppier than usual.

"You have one of the biggest score possible, Sam. It won't change anything. You haven't heard from the other colleges anyway."

Sam got up and left the library silently. Dean ran behind him:

"Come on, Sam, it's Sunday. Let's do something fun, just you and me. Or, I know, let's prank Gabriel back. With the two of us, he won't know what hit him."

"I'm not in the mood, Dean. Maybe, I'll call Ruby, see if she wants to hang out..."

It was time for a desperate measure:

"Let see Cas first. He wanted to spek to you today."

Sam shook his head firmly:

"I don't want his pity. I'll see you later."

And with that, he was gone. Dean felt sorry for himself. He went home and saw a hearried-looking Castiel yelling at his brother. Dean helped with the yelling, on general principle, but Castiel yelled at him too and retreated to their bedroom, slamming the door in the process.

Gabe had escaped the house and Dean was standing in the living-room, feeling miserable. He knew what Sam was going through but had no idea what was wrong with Castiel. He just knew he had to make things better as soon as possible.

To pass the time, he cleaned the house, looked for stuff that needed a fix and even went to the university to check for leaks.

Castiel finally exited the bedroom around five in the afternoon. He was still in night clothes. Dean was busy cooking and didn't see him before he had sat at the table, his head in his hands:

"Where are our brothers?"

"No idea..."

"You know, sometimes, I wonder if Gabe hasn't been switched at birth. I love him, but from afar. Today, I just want to kill him."

"Well, if you do, I'll help you hide the body."

Castiel sighed.

"I wish I could help Sam. Sometimes I think I've made progress with him and then he pushes me away."

"He's a teenager, Cas, they do that with everyone."

Cas still looked bumped. Dean sat next to him and kissed his right temple. It was strange that Cas would be so affected. He got insecure at times, or jealous but that wouldn't happen with Sam.

"Why is it so important to you?"

"I can't help him."

"You are. You're providing a home and you're reliable, not like our dad was. It's a lot."

"Maybe... But you see, my strength is that I can help the people I love. That's what I can offer. I'm not charming, or ingenious, I'm not hilarious. But when you're down and I find the right words and you smile again, it's just..." Cas was beaming for a second. Dean felt humbled that it only took that little to make his lover happy. He also felt slightly guilty:

"You don't have to be helpful to deserve being loved, Cas. I am extremely grateful for your support but it works both ways. I love you for you. I love you because you're the first thing I see when I wake up and you're damn beautiful and the way you look at me..."

He didn't finish. Castiel didn't get dressed. When Sam and Gabriel came back, the dinner was burnt beyond repair so they all went out. As Sam exited the Impala, Dean whispered:

"You should talk to Cas. He wants to help and he feels bad you don't trust him. Please..."

Sammy looked almost shocked and followed in the diner.

Dean and Gabe were loudly arguing about Tarantino movies when Sam changed seat and took Castiel with him. Dean smiled and used the opportunity to ask:

"So, Gabe, when do you intend to get us rid of you and your antics?"

Gabe raised his eyebrow in a wounded fashion:

"And here I thought we were becoming friends, Dean-o. I'll have to stay for Cas, then."

"No, you won't. Cas is mad at you, don't you see it?"

"Nah, he doesn't mean it."

"He does, Gabe. None of us can catch a break. It's exhausting to host you."

"Is it?"

Gabriel looked genuinely surprised at that. He and Dean finished their dessert in silence. Cas and Sam joined them, both with shy smiles.

Castiel stayed late in the living-room, talking with his brother, long after the two Winchesters had gone to bed. In the morning, he looked his usual self, peppering Dean with loving kisses. It was going to be a much better week.


	5. Chapter 5

Routine had had a strange effect on Dean and Castiel. They started going out more. They went to concerts, they went to bars (the clean kind, though. Dean didn't like Castiel's upset look when they had gone to a place Dean used to find hooks-up at. He had to admit it did look shitty), they even went to a restaurant. Dean and Sam never had never been to any, just to diners once in a while, so Cas took him, then both brothers, but fortunately, he didn't choose a posh one where you have too much knives next to your plate. They didn't go to the pictures, though, because Cas liked to cuddle closely against Dean in front of movies and, while Sammy tolerated it if the lights were turned off, Dean wasn't sure it would be appropriate in a public theater.

All of this was possible because Cas had laid down the law, a little after Gabe had left (which had led to a peak in their sex life, freed from the paranoia Gabriel had instated), when he stated that, as they lived together, both their salaries should go into a joint account. Dean had tried resisting. Castiel's pay was way higher than his, considering, so he didn't want to feel like Cas was being charitable on them. Cas had grabbed Dean's thigh, pushed him against the wall and kissed him dirtily, then whispered:

"I'll show you charitable!"

After that, Dean and him had gone to the bank. It was a little painful to sit on the chair but it was so worth it.

Sam seemed to have regained his spirit and said he was waiting to hear from the other colleges. Dean relaxed but kept an eye on him. Ruby's shadow was always looming around.

Valentine's day came and went. Dean didn't like to be forced into mushy stuff. Two days later, he bought some roses for Cas. He sneaked into the house, looking out for Sam. When he was sure, he wasn't there, he shyly deposited the bouquet on the kitchen counter and took a beer from the fridge. Cas came late, looking tired and grumpy, but he beamed at the flowers. Dean coughed as manly as he could and grumbled something about them being on sales. Cas looked like he was melting. Dean dropped the act and took him in his arms:

"I love you so much, Cas."

"I love you Dean."

A few days before Spring break, Dean was looking at Cas' trench-coat spread on the back of the couch, one evening, his mind wandering:

"Honey?"

Cas was battling with a stubborn stain on one of the pot in the kitchen sink. He grumbled:

"What is it?"

"How come we never get news from Michael?"

The pot fell in the soapy water with a big splash. Dean looked up and saw that Cas' shirt was drenched. He frowned, wondering if his question triggered it or if it's just a coincidence. He asked on, prudently:

"I mean, I've met Gabe and as much as I wanted to claw his eyes out at times, I'm glad I met your brother. And you know Sam, obviously. So, I guess, I could meet the guy who raised you?"

Cas glared for a few seconds, then let out a big sigh. Dean didn't like it. It sounded troubled, upset even, not something he was accustomed to from his boyfriend. Cas did get angry at times but here, he looked lost. Dean got up and walked to him. Hugging him got him all wet as well, but he didn't really care. Cas' sad face was his fault and he was damn well going to have him smile again.

"Sorry. We don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry I asked, really."

Castiel gulped but didn't answer right away. Dean was getting worried now. What had happened that just the mention of Michael could lead to this reaction?

They sat on the couch, Castiel still mute, but a little less strung. Dean brushed Cas' silky hair, like he did every night before going to sleep, shutting up in case he fucked up even more. Cas was looking straight away so it took Dean some time to realize.

Cas was fucking crying.

He never did. Dean did, more than he would have liked, because, let's face it, he worked on emotions. Castiel was introverted and poised and serious-minded and that turned Dean on so very much. But now, Cas was a wreck and he wanted him to stop being sad because his own heart was twisting in his chest at the sight.

"What can I do to make you feel better?"

No reply.

"You want to go to the bedroom? You can do anything you want..."

Cas didn't even look at him. Dean had broken him and he, the janitor, didn't know how to repair him.

Sam opened the door noisily, his arms full of books. Dean caught his eyes and mimed a definitive 'Shut the hell up!' Sam nodded and went to his room.

It took Castiel half-an-hour to calm down. He started saying:

"Dean, Michael was..." but Dean cut him short:

"You don't have to tell me, baby, I can't tell you about my dad either. Just tell me if he was shitty and then we'll forget I even mentioned it."

Cas shook his head. He looked at Dean, staring in his eyes as if he was burrowing courage in them and said, firmly:

"No, let's get it over with. Michael raised us out of family duty. He wasn't too bad at it although he was very busy with work and church. At home, he had his hands full with Gabe's antics so I was mostly inconspicuous. But then, one day, I met Balthazar. It took him a few month to ask me out and at first I was shocked because I didn't know I was into men and yet I did want to say yes. I said so at dinner and a very trying hour after, I was in the streets with a few clothes in a bag and a very red cheek..."

Dean felt his fits clenching. The idea of Castiel being slapped was making him see red.

"... Fortunately, Balthazar offered me shelter. I was very grateful. In a sense, it colored our relationship. He was my first boyfriend and he had helped me in a time of need. I ignored his flaws because I didn't want to be thrown out again. But things weren't fine and he used all my patience. He cheated on me, often."

Now Dean's anger shifted to Balthazar. If the man had been standing right there, he wouldn't have survived it.

He took a deep breath to ask, as calmly as he could:

"You heard from Michael after that?"

"No. Gabe sneaked out to visit me, then he left home and showed our cousin what he thought of him. I think it was his bigger prank." He chuckled and Dean felt relief sip in his bone. He hugged Cas tighter and listened on:

"Michael lives in Idaho. Balthazar and I decided to go live on the other side of the country. I don't even know if he's alive or dead. It's hard to describe how I'm feeling about this. He replaced my parents for years, and suddenly I was no-one to him."

"He's a jerk, Cas. He doesn't deserve your gratitude. I raised Sam and I love him so much, I can hardly breathe if he's home too late. And don't you dare tell him!"

That did the trick. Cas put his head against Dean's chest, eyes still damp but stood up immediately:

"We're soaked. We have to get out of these clothes and in the shower."

Dean smiled at the invitation and took his sweater off hurriedly. They kept the shower time quiet, for Sam's sake but luckily the bedroom was upstairs...


	6. Chapter 6

Time was passing and the college situations was getting more and more worrying. Either it was a refusal (and Sam would be disappointed and all sad) or it was an approval but with only a partial scholarship (and Sam would look ready to strangle someone, then deflate and look disappointed and sad). It was a hard reality check. They had both been so sure Sam would get a free ride somewhere and study law and have the life Dean felt his brother deserved...

Dean wanted to talk to Cas about it but he was busy. As in, so busy, he would stay at work on week-end and even take some of his workload home at nights and frown over it until it was so late, Dean was already asleep. It felt as if they were roommates. Dean hoped it was because of tax season or something and not because Cas was trying to avoid him. Sometimes his heart would beat a little too fast as he tried not to envision the possibility of Cas telling him it was over and asking them to leave. They would not end up in the streets, as the janitor lodgings were still available, but Sam loved living in this house and Dean didn't like the idea of a new stress for his little brother in such a sensitive time (yes, he was worried about Sam's feelings, not his, not the fact that he would feel utterly broken if Cas broke up with him.)

In fact, he felt very alone, as if the past year hadn't really happened, just like a dream. The difference was that he had opened up, allowed himself to be more vulnerable. One evening, Cas didn't even come home. Dean tried to call his cell around nine and heard it ring from the counter top. He tried calling his University accountant office but Cas didn't pick up. Dean was getting mad with worry. He went to the library to ask Sam if he had seen his boyfriend and realized his brother wasn't in either. Dean was not having a panic attack, he wasn't. Since the incident with Ruby, Sam had been asked to always call and explain. Dean angrily took his cell.

Luckily his brother answered at the second ring. Dean felt his chest get lighter. He was still uneasy about Castiel but the man was an adult, he could take care of himself (he must have forgotten the time, that was it. The only other alternatives in Dean's mind were an accident or cheating on him and he couldn't tell which felt worse.)

"Hey, Sammy, where are you? You're supposed to have come home long ago.

"Oh, sorry, Dean, we didn't see the time. Well, I hope you didn't wait up and get dinner on your own.

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you at a friend's house?"

"Not exactly, no. What...?" Dean heard him put the phone down and talk to someone else. He waited for a minute. The call was disconnected.

Okay, no need to over-react. Sam was fine and didn't sound drunk or stoned. Dean would probably check when his brother would deign bring his ass back home but all in all, he was relieved. The big problem was, he didn't feel better. His mind was now focused on Cas, playing up scenarios, trying to read his recent apparent indifference, he was a mess. It was like there was a little demon Dean and a little angel Castiel (Dean still pictured it with Cas' trench-coat. It made him smile a second) having a fight in his mind : 'I love you, I told you many times. I'm just busy.' angel Cas would say and the demon would answer 'Don't listen to him. You're not worth his time. You're broken and poor and he's only with you out of pity. He must have met someone better.' The angel tried louder 'I could never cheat on you! I'm painfully honest and you're family to me. I wouldn't lie.' But the demon in Dean said 'Everyone lies. Cas isn't perfect. You should go out and get drunk.'

That last line had Dean freeze. He wasn't his father. He had worked hard all his life not to be. Going to bars alone was fine when he was single but nowadays, he only went with Cas, or Benny (not Ash, though, the guy didn't drink, he just smoke very illegal substances) to have a good time. He didn't drink more than a beer or two and gently dissed any girls who would hit on him. If he were to drink too much and take someone home, he would feel like a traitor. Cas deserved better, after all, any idea of cheating was all in Dean's mind. He took a beer out of the fridge and turned the TV on. He would be patient.

He must have fallen asleep on the couch. He woke up and blinked in the dark, taking in the sounds of the house at night. The TV had been turned off, there was a loud snore coming from Sam's room. Dean tried to move and realized he couldn't. There was a body pressing him down. He touched it and felt the soft flannel of a pajama outfit. Cas had apparently decided that wherever Dean was, he would sleep with him. Dean's heart swelle at that thought. That wasn't part of the 'wants to break-up with Dean" script. The angel side was winning the argument. Dean thought of waking him up so that they could both go to bed, but Cas was warm and he was still tired. He kissed the first patch of skin he met and closed his eyes again.

The next day was a Saturday and Sam had been warned multiple times. He could go on a run if he must, but he had to be quiet about it. Dean vaguely heard the door close. He dozed off again when he heard a soft whine:

"Deannn..."

He looked at his sleepy boyfriend as he felt the arms around him tightened their grip just a tad:

"Hey, Cas..."

There was something fragile and innocent in that moment. They were reconnecting and Dean felt really proud to have fought his insecure side the night before. Cas was an introvert, he knew that. If he wanted to know how he felt, he had to fish for it. After all, even Cas' little brother always read him wrong.

They started with a light kiss, loving and chaste. Then, Dean moved to Cas' neck and soon, they had to relocate to their bedroom.

Dean put his manliness aside and firmly asked for cuddle time. He needed it badly, plus he wanted to talk to Cas in a quiet, peaceful moment, when none of them would get riled up:

"Cas, honey?"

"Hmm...?" Cas really looked like an angel, naked in the morning light. Dean got distracted and kissed him. Cas smiled and resumed his cuddle position. Dean talked again:

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I know you've been ultra busy at work these past few weeks..."

"Yes. It's over now, thank god. I might get a promotion, you know. My boss says I have such great work ethics."

He looked up at Dean and frowned:

"It won't be like that all year round, I promise."

Dean grinned:

"Can you read my mind, now?"

"No... It's just... I missed spending time with you. Maybe I should have worked a little less. I actually had until next Friday. I was afraid I wasn't going to make it and then I'd get fired."

"You should have told me all that, Cas. I know you don't do it on purpose but you got me to open up to you and I'd feel better if you did the same."

Cas sighed:

"I know. It's difficult to break habits, I guess. When I'm stressed I tend to deal on my own as the people in my life all tended to betray and dismiss me. The fact that you don't..." He didn't finish his sentence but the emotion behind it went straight to Dean. They stayed in bed some time longer.

When they finally got dressed, they found Sam finishing his breakfast in the kitchen. He looked up at them and rolled his eyes:

"You guys are gross."

Dean ruffled his brother's hair, a feat he could only achieve when Sam was seated, now, and replied:

"Shut up, Sammy. You don't get to judge us when you haven't told me where you were last night, anyway."

Sam turned to Cas, looking puzzled:

"You haven't told him?"

Cas frowned. He did that a lot and each time Dean wanted to kiss the frown away. He didn't as he was really curious about why Cas would know anything. Had Sam talked to him when he got back the night before?

"I did. I'm pretty sure, I did."

"Nope, Cas, I'm in the dark here."

"Oh... Sorry, then, I must have contemplated calling you and then forget. We did stay out late."

"We?"

"Sam and I. I had finished my workload and he came to talk to me like he sometime does." This was news to Dean but he didn't react. He liked that Sam felt comfortable enough to confide in Cas and didn't want to change that.

Cas went on:

"He told me about the last answer he'd gotten for his college application. It's over now so he was depressed."

"I wasn't! I was worried, that's different." Cas smiled at Sam, looking contrite.

"Yes, of course, I'm sorry. So, we discussed it and it dawned on me that he hadn't applied to the University here."

"You haven't, Sammy? How come?"

"They don't provide the law degree I want. But Cas said I could attend here for college and then apply again."

"Sam is a gifted student. I know some of the teachers here and could get them to help him get in the university he wants later. That way, we only have to pay for tuitions and either Sam can stay with us or he can use the janitor lodgings."

Dean processed it all. Those were great ideas. The 'we' part was still new to him and he loved Cas for saying that.

Sam left not long after that. Dean wanted to show his thanks to Cas but they had already fooled around twice that morning. They should tone it down. But then he remembered how he alone and sad he had felt these past weeks and decided that fuck it. So they did and spent the day in bed.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a while since Dean and Sam had fought. Since Cas, in fact... Dean had a suspicion that if his boyfriend had been here, he would have defused the situation, made him realize how he had to give in and let Sam grow up. But he wasn't, he was at work and Sam was nasty, so Dean exploded.

"You can't live on your own yet, Sammy! You're too young!"

"What do you mean too young? We've lived without a parent for years!"

"I was the one in charge, remember. You have no idea how to be responsible."

"Yes, you were in charge, and you were younger than I am now. I will learn. If I stay with you and Cas, I'll never have to..."

Dean gulped. He needed something stronger:

"Cas and I... That's the problem isn't it? You're jealous that he's in my life. Or even, you're pissed that I'm with another guy and you want to run, is that it?"

Sam had tears in his eyes. Dean felt horrible. He knew very well that Sam loved Castiel almost as much as he did, but that way he could guilt him into staying. However hard having to look after his brother had been, it was better than the worrying. There were so many "Ruby"'s out there, ready to hook up his brother on nasty stuff. In fact, the original one wasn't exactly out of the picture. They still had classes together, they might even hang out...

Dean shivered at the thought. That's why. Sammy was too young and too naïve and he had that bright future ahead of him. Dean couldn't let go.

Sam had a disgusted expression but didn't reply. Dean figured he had won. He stormed to the kitchen and waited. After a few minutes, he heard a tentative:

"I don't hate Cas. He makes you happy and he's a great friend. I wish you would see it..."

"Then show it. Stay..."

The sound of defeated footstep echoed in Dean's guilty mind all evening.

Cas came home with a box of chocolate he had been given by his boss and put it on the coffee table. He smirked at Dean:

"Can you agree to leave some for your brother?"

Dean tried a fake offended face but his heart wasn't in it. Instead, he smiled tiredly. Castiel frowned immediately:

"Is something the matter?"

"No, nothing, honey. It's been a long day, there was a plumbing emergency. It was nasty."

"Oh, yeah, I heard about that." He looked at Dean with a concern he didn't deserve, then put his hand on Dean's shoulder:

"You could take a bath. And then I can give you a massage... Unless you want me to take the bath with you?"

Dean should have said no, but it was too tempting. Cas actually gave him the massage while in the tub and Dean forgot everything that wasn't his wonderful boyfriend. He felt so much better that he kept Cas awake quite late and had to muffle the sounds with his hand on Castiel's mouth at times. Castiel was glowing when he said:

"I love you."

He wasn't the next morning and kept pushing Dean when he tried to wake him up. He had to be promised a lot of things just to leave the room and go take his morning coffee. As it turned out, a great breakfast was awaiting them along with a guilty-looking Sammy. Dean looked away and grumbled a thanks. Cas hugged Sam, then ran everywhere until he was ready to leave, planting a good-bye kiss on Dean's happy lips. Sam had left too. Dean spent the day sulking when he thought about Sam and smiling when he thought about Cas. Benny was giving him side glances, as if he thought Dean was schizophrenic. Dean didn't say anything, as usual and focused harder on the plumbing crisis.

In the week-end, Sam left for a sleep-over. Dean had agreed on the condition that Sam's friend come pick him up. The kid, Kevin, looked as nerdy as could be and won Cas' approval as well.

After a productive Friday night and Saturday morning, Dean felt satisfied enough to switch to talking. He loved that he could do that easily with Cas. But after talking about the rumor about Professor Master and a student, Cas switched subjects without warning and talked about accounting. Dean listened politely, nodding here and now until Cas paused and asked:

"You don't get what I'm talking about, do you?" Dean grinned widely.

"Never do."

Cas frowned, then said:

"Ok, I'll be less technical, then. What I was saying is that I've made simulations and if Sam is listed as my dependent, he'll benefit from my discount for the tuition prices next year."

It was Dean's turn to frown:

"You can do that? Because we live together?"

"No..." Cas was writhing his hands, not looking at Dean. "It takes more than that. But it's really interesting, even in term of taxes."

Dean was lost. He seemed to be missing a bit of information, plus a nervous Cas was highly unusual. He stroke his man's arm to calm him down, then asked:

"What is this all about? Discounts are always a good thing in my book, so can you look at me in the eyes and explain yourself?"

Cas sighed and stood up, still half-naked:

"I guess it wasn't a good idea. Let's forget about it." He walked briskly away, headed to the bathroom. Dean stayed in bed, feeling stupid and frustrated.

Cas didn't bring the subject up after that. Dean was thinking about going to the University's library to help him figure it out. But it wouldn't be fair to Cas, so he waited until he had eaten his slice of pie at dinner to say casually:

"So, I've thought about what you've said."Cas turned to him, nervous again. "If you just told me everything, then we could take a decision. So, we're not leaving the table until you've spit it."

Castiel opened his mouth a few time, like a fish. Dean was getting worried. Was Cas sick or something? Then, he finally heard the string of muffled words:

"coudgetmarrid"

And then, he got it. His brain took a vacation, his body froze, his heart decided to take all the room in his chest. Castiel looked ready to bolt, or faint maybe. Dean didn't blame him. He had thought about it a lot, but hearing it...

He had intended to propose himself. He was sure he would have done a more romantic job. Was Cas seeing them getting married as a financial interest only? Should Dean be cautious if that were the case?

He really couldn't be like everyone. His life was messed up, he wasn't even more than one tax-lowerer (well two with Sam)...

"Dean, say something, please?"

Dean blinked, then got up. Castiel looked stricken, so he acted fast. He went down on one knee and whispered:

"Castiel, will you marry me?"

It turned out that this son of a bitch had actually planned it. He even had male rings in the bed table. But apparently, he had chickened out. Dean was too busy being the happiest he had ever been to tease him. He was busy being kissed too.

To add to the romanticism, Cas took out blank tax forms and explained the changes it would make. Dean put his head on Castiel's shoulder, purring. He remarked:

"It's a good thing Sammy is staying in the house, then."

Castiel shrugged:

"Actually, he could go live in your lodgings on his own and still be a dependent."

"Yes... no."

"What do you mean? He said he didn't want to?"

"Not exactly." Dean still felt bad but he tried to explain "I told him he couldn't."

Cas didn't frown this time, but Dean still got defensive:

"He's my brother and my responsibility, Cas. You're an important part of his life but I still make the decision about him."

Cas nodded softly:

"You do, darling. I'm just surprised. I thought you wanted Sam to go to college. If he had been accepted to Stanford or Harvard, he would have gone to a dorm, wouldn't he?"

"Yeah, I guess, but he hasn't been. I can't let him at the mercy of drug dealers, Cas. I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't look after him correctly."

"Dean" Cas' eyes were full of love. Dean felt hypnotized. "You grew up without a big brother to look after you and you've turned out great. Why couldn't Sam?"

"I'm not that great. I'm fucked up, actually."

Cas stared at him, with an intensity that made Dean uncomfortable. Then, he slowly shook his head:

"No."

"No, what?"

"You don't get to be my fiancé and be fucked up. You choose. Either you agree that you are this great guy that I see and love and want to live my whole life with, even though you have a few flaws, as I've said. Or, you're convinced you're not worth anything and in that case, leave me. You wouldn't want me to be engaged to a fuck up, wouldn't you?" His tone wasn't harsh, which made it worse. He had cornered Dean, used the lowest trick ever and he was waiting for an answer.

So Dean, closed his eyes. Nobody had told him he was great apart from Cas. His father was putting him down, his teachers hated him. He couldn't make the confidence up, it was a tool he didn't have. He was working on wording that out when he remembered something. Breakfast with his mother. He must have been really young, maybe 3 or 4. She was crying and he was trying his best to reassure her and make her smile. He had succeeded and Mary had said "You're the greatest child ever, you know that Dean?"

Dean opened his eyes and met Cas':

"All right, I'll apologize to Same and let him decide. And I'll marry you, I've wanted that for a long time, you don't get to find a way out!"

Castiel was crying. Dean kissed all the tears away, then cuddled with his fiancé. When Sam came home the next day, he handed him the janitor's key without a word. Sam looked at him and nodded seriously.


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel and Dean went back to their bench, this time to dream. Dean wanted a honeymoon badly, memories made elsewhere that he could keep in his head for the rest of his life. Yet, he knew they couldn't afford much, if they wanted to make Sam's dream real. Cas had joked that when Sammy would become a successful lawyer, he would surely offer Dean all the cruises he would want, but Dean had shaken his head, he didn't want that, not even gratefulness. What he wanted was for Sam to have a great life, one where he wouldn't worry about eating every day, like they had.

But right here, on the docks, with the wind filled with the sea smell blowing all over them, with Cas whispering sweet things that Dean would never admit to liking to anyone else, he dreamt. They talked about islands, and rum cocktails, they talked about snowy landscapes, cuddling into a dog sled. Some of Castiel's suggestions were hilarious or just plain weird (like traveling through the amazonian forest) but Dean could still envision them, as long as Cas was in the picture. They actually planned an Indian-style wedding, with a hundred drummers and a damn elephant, even though Dean knew they would just go to a justice of peace office with Sam and Benny as best men and their only guests. Dean had vetoed flowers even in the fantasies. Cas didn't mind and just dressed Dean in waistcoats and tight suits, only to rip them off him, all in imagination.

One day, Cas suggested they celebrate here:

"That's where we met. It's the most important place ever. More beautiful than any foreign place." Dean smiled and agreed. They could bring a beer cooler and a grill, they could ask for the authorization. It was okay for Benny to know about Dean's spot now. Because now his real spot was in Cas' heart.

They planned for the beginning of August, because they had to. The University only allowed Dean to take vacation then. Sam had found a summer work in an office in town for the whole summer and Benny had said he would keep an eye on him. Dean had been pleased to hear that. At Sam's age, he would have obeyed Benny immediately.

The school year was ending for Sam and he started tuxedo-hunting. Dean teased him non-stop. Who was the girl? But Sam kept mum. Cas was looking at Sam as if he was a kitten taking his first steps. Dean was looking at Cas looking at Sam and melted on his own. His life was a great puddle of sap and he didn't care.

Prom night came and turned Cas into a mother hen. Dean teased him every second and did the same things behind his back, like taking pictures of Sam and fixing his tie and patting his back. Sam was bearing it with unaccustomed patience, keeping his bitch face to a minimum.

The limousine came and Sam left. Castiel looked smug. Dean frowned and gave an inquiring kiss:

"What do you know that I don't?"

Castiel kissed him too but didn't answer. Dean imprisoned him in his arms, but Cas wiggled out and chuckled his way to the kitchen. Dean followed, grumbling, determined to get the truth out of his fiance (and stopped the grumbling to smile goofily at the word).

Cas got tickled, kissed everywhere available, promised very dirty things and didn't cave. Dean chose another option and started cooking, not looking in Cas' direction anymore. It worked:

"I know who Sam's date is."

Dean's shoulders sagged. He could guess too. He had just accepted it and decided to be happy nevertheless. Sam had mentioned Ruby too many times recently and Dean just knew he would ask her. Still, he didn't want to think about it so he didn't reply.

It was Cas' turn to be insistent, turning around Dean, whispering in his ear but Dean kept a stoic face. He set the table and sat. His lap was instantly covered in Cas. Dean smiled and kissed him. Cas grinned and whispered:

"It's not Ruby, you know..."

Dean gave a start:

"Who is it then? Do you know her?"

"Only by what Sam told me. Her name is Jess. Apparently she's an angel. No drugs in sight."

Dean was relieved but a little hurt. Why didn't Sam tell him, then? He was glad of the bond between the men in his life, sure, yet, did he have to be the bad guy in Sam's eyes?

He pushed the feeling away, focusing on how sexy Cas looked when eating. Cas noticed, played along, so they skipped dessert.

It amazed Dean every time, how different it could be, to make love and to just fuck for the sake of it. Even when they got a little kinky, even when he begged Cas to go harder and to fuck him good, there were feelings. Sometimes so strong, he almost cried, sometimes just beneath the surface yet changing everything. He wanted to marry that man and ask him to again. He wanted a signed contract that guaranteed Cas would love him always, forever. He wanted to see him come and shout his name, watch the shades in those fucking blue eyes that he was the only one to see all the fucking time. It was better than a trip to an island he would never make (and not just because of the price. He was terrified of planes and boats took too long to get there). They could go camping. Or even stay home and have sex all day.

He met Jess the next day. She was an angel. Next to Ruby it was like night and day. Sam was all shy and nervous. Dean nodded his approval and saw his brother breathe out, chest poking out and suddenly he understood. Sam had talked to Cas first because he trusted him, but also because his opinion wasn't as important to him as Dean's was. Dean had felt like that with his father at first, he remembered it. He had felt slowly betrayed and it had been hard to actually reject his father's fucked up values. So, he invited Jess to hang around the house as much as she wanted and caught Sam into a bear hug.

July was fucking hot. Sam was working his ass off, then engrossed in Jess, barely acknowledging his brother and Dean didn't care because Jess was perfect. Cas was all excited because he had made a friend. A new girl who had joined the administration wing. Her name was Charlie and according to Cas, she was wasting her talent working for the University instead of a computer firm. Dean liked her a lot. She was geeky and easily excited, but she also looked a little childish and shy. She was gay too, and an orphan, like them. One more person invited to their wedding. Their family was growing, slowly. Friends were a luxury he could afford now. Castiel was a necessity he couldn't live with anymore.


End file.
